


What is the Meaning of This?

by bloatedblond



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Arranged Marriage, Awkward Romance, Bullying, Clueless but trying to hide it Fili, Confused Kíli, Dwarf Courting, Dwarf Culture & Customs, Explicit Sexual Content, First Kiss, First Time, M/M, My First Fanfic, Shy Kíli, Sibling Incest, Slow Build, Soul Bond
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-05-31
Updated: 2015-12-07
Packaged: 2018-04-02 06:10:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 18,574
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4049173
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bloatedblond/pseuds/bloatedblond
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kili does not want to get married. Thorin and Dis have other plans. </p>
<p>Kili tries to make sense of his arranged marriage during his courtship while also trying to come to terms with his feelings for his betrothed and what his betrothed may feel about him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

Kili did not want to get married. Not in the least. At all. He was seriously considering hiding for the rest of his life in order to avoid it. It wasn’t that he was actually against the idea of getting married in general, he just didn’t want to get married to someone he did not know and go live somewhere else. Most dwarves got to choose their own mate, take the time to find their One, and live how and where they chose. Being an heir of Durin and a member of the royal family however, meant that Kili had his mate chosen for him in order to make political alliances to benefit the kingdom, never mind that they had no kingdom to speak of. The announcement of his betrothal (life-as-he-knew-it-ending doom) would come at his coming-of-age ceremony which was, unfortunately for him, that very night.

Until last night Kili had been excited about the ceremony, practically bouncing with it and annoying everyone with said excitement for days, if not weeks or months. Then Uncle Thorin had mentioned casually at dinner that he would be making the betrothal announcement for both his heirs at Kili’s ceremony. Fili had accepted his fate as expected, with the calm dignity befitting a prince of Durin. Kili however was so surprised that he had just stared at his Uncle with his mouth hanging open and eyes wide until his mother had quietly reminded him told him to finish his meal.

In all honesty, Kili had been looking forward to his coming-of-age since he was just a dwarfling. First he had thought it would mean that he could eat all the sweets he wanted and not have to go to bed so early. Then he had thought it meant that he could skip a day or two of lessons and weapons training so that he could go hunting or fishing all day. As an adolescent he thought it would mean he would have the freedom to go to the tavern as often as he wished and drink as much as he wanted. However, as he grew and matured the idea of what it meant had changed and he learned that, for him at least, it did not mean freedom of any kind, only a new set of rules and a different set of trappings. He learned that he would never have control of his own life as long as he was a prince of Durin. For several years he dreamt of running away and leaving his responsibilities behind just so he could live for himself and enjoy the same freedoms that other dwarves had. He spent a lot of that time drinking too much in the evenings and fighting too much with the very dwarves he envied. 

For all Kili may be reckless though he is not one to quit a challenge or back down from a fight so he never left, only resigned himself to making the best of things and moving on with his life. He stopped drinking as much, stopped fighting when he could, and put all his energy into training with his bow and long sword. He continued with his lessons with the same enthusiasm however, they would never be anything other than boring.

Now Kili sat in the highest pine tree he could find, reverting back to those adolescent days of passive-aggressive rebellion, hiding from the fact that he should be bathing and dressing for his now dreaded coming-of-age ceremony. He couldn’t help but wonder who he would be betrothed to and where he would be sent to live. He could only hope that it was not to the Grey Mountains where they did not treat bearers as anything but property. Surely his uncle would not send his there? He had no choice but to wait and find out tonight. With a heavy heart Kili climbed down out of the pine tree and began making his way home to prepare for tonight, determined to meet his doom with as much dignity as he could muster.


	2. Chapter 2

Kili huffed. “I look ridiculous.”

He stared at himself in the full-length mirror in his mother’s room while she fussed over his hair. He felt like he was drowning in layers upon layers of heavy, rich fabrics and embroidery. Oh, how Kili hated formal clothes!

“Nonsense!” Dis snapped while softly whacking Kili on the back of the head. “If you would just stand up straight and stop scowling at everything you would look like a perfect prince.”

Kili continued scowling and Dis continued fussing over his hair.

She had allowed him to keep most of his hair pulled back in a single clip at the back of his head simply because his hair was so unruly but she had insisted on braids. Dis had braided a single plait at each temple, showing he was an heir of Durin and as such royalty, and a simple plait slightly off-center from the back of his head which signified him as a Bearer. He hoped they would stay in until at least the start of the ceremony.

“Why are you so sullen, little raven? You have been looking forward to this night for ages, what has changed?”

Kili did not know how to tell his mother what was bothering him. He knew he was supposed to feel honored at having a royal betrothal arranged for him. After all, not everyone had their mate chosen for them out of (supposedly) many suitors – with only the best being chosen. That was the problem though. His mate was being chosen for him. By others. He had no voice in the choosing. In fact, Kili was not sure how he felt about _romance_ at all. He certainly had not spent any time thinking about it other than that he would not get to have the same experience as most dwarves. He didn’t fancy any one dwarf and never had. The whole fact that his marriage would be arranged for him had pretty much turned him off the whole subject.

Now though, he could not help thinking about it. What if the dwarf chosen for him was secretly cruel? Or ugly? Or boring? What if they did not care for him at all and only asked for him to bring up their own social standing? What if they ended up sharing the same opinion of him that so many here in Ered Luin shared of him?

His parents had met this way. Vali had been chosen for Dis by her father, King Thrain, and the elders of the Longbeard’s whose home was in the Blue Mountains. Through their marriage the refugees of Erebor had found a home and safety. They had spent so many years wandering from place to place and the nomadic lifestyle and dangers of living unprotected had dwindled their numbers greatly.

Each dwarven settlement Thorin had led his people to could only take so many refugees in and the rest had been forced to march on to the next settlement. Finally though, they had come to the Blue Mountains. The Longbeard’s had been hesitant to accept any refugees into their own settlements but they had agreed to let Thorin have the previously abandoned mining settlement of Ered Luin -for a marriage price. The opportunity of having a member of Erebor’s royal family married into their clan had been too good an opportunity to pass up even if said royal family no longer had a kingdom.

So Dis and Vali had been betrothed, they had courted, and they had married. Amazingly, at least to Kili’s thinking, they has also fallen in love. After four years of marriage and much work bringing the previously abandoned settlement back to life, Fili had arrived and five years later, Kili.

Six years after Kili had arrived, however, it all came crashing down for Dis. Vali had been killed while on patrol and in her grief, the child she was carrying had followed its father to the Halls of Mahal. It had taken nearly a year before Dis had recovered enough from the grief that had consumed her to be able to care for her two sons again.  
What was worse, Kili wondered, to be mated to someone you could barely tolerate or to find that your mate is your One only to lose them in just over a decade? Kili could still see the pain that Dis carried with her from the loss of her One and her unborn child. The pain she tried to keep from her sons and her brother.

Kili was six when his Adad had been killed. He remembered only golden hair, brown eyes, and laughter. He had a vague memory of a voice, comforting and patient, which told him and Fili stories at bedtime.

“I am fine, Amad, just nervous.” Kili lied and tried to smile convincingly.

“It’s normal to be nervous, little raven. I know I was.” Dis brought him over to the edge of the bed to sit down. She took both his hands in her own and turned so they were facing each other.

“I know you will be pleasantly surprised tonight. Your uncle, Balin, and I have thought long and hard on who to choose for you.” She smiled at him and squeezed his hands.

Her words, meant to be comforting, only made the heaviness in Kili’s chest worse. He was expected to be happy with their choice and not just accepting? Who did they think he would be happy with? Also, why was Balin part of the decision? Instead of showing his new panic, Kili tried his best to smile at his mother.

“Thank you, Amad. I will try to be worthy of the mate you have chosen for me.”

“Oh, Kili! You already are worthy.” She pulled him into a hug and kissed his cheeks. “Now, I want to see your brother too for a moment and then we will be off.” She hopped up and headed for the door. Before leaving she fixed him with a pointed look, “Do not mess with your hair or your clothes!”

Kili nodded and watched the door close. He sat there for a few moments, just breathing deeply and wiping his sweaty hands on the bed, trying to pull himself together. He could do this! He could shoot a squirrel through the eye at two hundred paces, for Mahal’s sake! He could certainly attend his own coming-of-age ceremony! With one more deep breath, Kili moved from his mother’s bedroom to the main room of the house, joining his family.

Dis looked beautiful, Thorin looked majestic, and Fili looked like the very sun. Kili felt like a dwarfling playing dress-up in comparison. Of course they all turned to look at him as he stumbled into the room too.

“You look regal brother,” Fili smirked, “and clean. Is your hair combed?”

“Very funny. I am actually laughing on the inside.” Kili droned in response to his brother’s teasing. He couldn’t help how his lips pulled up slightly on one side though.

  
“Enough you two. Let us go.” Thorin smiled at them and opened the door, waiting for Dis to go through and then following.

Fili smiled at Kili. “Well, let’s get to it then.”

“Yeah.” Kili sighed. He followed his brother out the door, walking slowly as he was weighed down with the dread of that was to come.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The big announcement and panic attacks!

The ceremony was over. Kili was now officially ‘of age.’ His success in the trials had been recognized by all and the food had been served. Everyone was busy eating, drinking, and enjoying themselves.

Everyone except Kili anyway.

Each time Thorin so much as moved in his seat, Kili stopped breathing. If his mother noticed his anxiety, she gave no sign of it. Fili was sitting on the other side of Thorin, on his right, but Kili didn’t think he was fairing too much better than himself if the amount of uneaten food on his plate was anything to go by. He wished they were sitting closer to each other.

Thorin shifted to his left to speak to Dis and Kili dropped his fork. He froze. Both Thorin and Dis looked at him as if he announced he wanted to dance naked.

“Sorry.”

They smiled at him and began speaking to one another quietly, not paying him any more attention.

Kili stared at them. Was Thorin delaying the betrothal announcement just to drive Kili crazy? It seemed like a real possibility at the moment.

Fili leaned back in this chair to look at Kili and Kili was eternally grateful that he and his brother could still communicate without words.

_“What are they talking about?”_

_“I don’t know, I can’t hear them.”_

_“When is he going to make the announcement?”_

_“Wish I knew.”_

At least Fili seemed to be waiting for the announcement as well. Dis and Thorin ended their conversation and sat back in their chairs. They watched the dwarves enjoying themselves in the hall and tapped their fingers to the beat of the musicians.

Kili was on edge. He was sweating like he had run for miles, felt jittery as if he had drank too much strong tea, and his hands shook when he reached for his ale. Why didn’t Thorin just make the announcement already? What could he possibly be waiting for? If he didn’t hurry up most everyone would be too drunk to even notice if the roof collapsed! Kili watched as new barrels of ale being rolled into the hall and a space for dancing was cleared. All around him dwarves were having a great time and Kili just wanted to run out into the forest and get away from it all.

Thorin moved his chair back.

Kili sat up straight and inhaled sharply.

Thorin leaned forward.

Kili leaned forward holding his breath.

Thorin reached for his ale and leaned back in his chair and drank deeply.

Kili exhaled and slumped in his chair. He was so tense he felt like his bowstring.

“Come on!” he muttered. “Make the damn announcement already!”

Dis looked curiously at Kili and raised an eyebrow. Kili would swear later that she actually smirked at him. Smirked!

He couldn’t take this anymore, he had to get some air before he threw up what little he had eaten. Just as he slid his chair back, so did Thorin.

Thorin stood. Kili went pale. Fili caught Kili’s eye.

_“This is it.”_

_“…”_

_Everything will be okay.”_

_“…”_

Fili nodded to Kili and turned to give his attention to Thorin. Kili looked down his legs which were stained from his constantly wiping his sweaty palms on his trousers. Great, now when he met his mate he would look like he had some kind of dwarfling accident!

Thorin began to speak.

Kili thinks he must have stopped breathing entirely. He heard nothing but the blood pounding in his ears, a loud rushing _whoosh, whoosh, whoosh_ was all his world consisted of. He was vaguely aware that silence had fallen over the hall and that everyone’s attention was fixed on Thorin as he spoke.

Kili’s eyes ran over the faces in the crowd. Faces he had known his entire life. Some of them distant family on his father’s side, others dear friends but most of them much less than the barest of acquaintances. No matter who he looked at he could not process their reaction to Thorin’s words by the looks on their faces.

What was Thorin saying? What was his mother doing? Why was she standing and moving her chair away from the table? Where had all the air gone? How could everyone else breathe when Kili couldn’t? He was starting to get dizzy. He looked around the hall then back to his right where Thorin and Dis stood with Fili. When had Thorin and Fili stood up? Why were they all looking at him?

Fili looked at him with a worried expression on his face. His brother was worried? What was Fili worried about? Fili never worried, he was so damn confident that it physically caused disgust in others. Why was he worried? Should Kili be worried too? Wait, he was worried. What was he worried about? Why was it getting dark in the hall? Where in Mahal’s dirty forge had all the damn air gone!? Nothing was making sense to him. What was happening?

Suddenly Dis was in front of Kili, she was talking, he could barely make out her lips moving, but he couldn’t hear what she was saying. Kili shook his head at her and tried to breathe as he clutched the arms of his chair until his knuckles turned white. Dis put her hands on either side of his face and made him look at her. She kept speaking and he just kept shaking his head. She released him and placed one of her hands on his chest and the other on her own chest and took a deep breath while looking directly into his eyes. Breathe. She was telling him to breathe. Kili inhaled deeply, then again, and then again.

With each breath the sound of blood rushing through his ears quieted, his vision became clearer, and his mother’s voice began to seep through to his brain. After several moments, he could hear and see her clearly, not quite like normal, but close enough. Finally, the dizziness passed.

“Feeling better, little raven? You worked yourself into a fine panic there.”

Kili could only nod his head at her.

“Did you hear anything your uncle said?”

When he shook his head she smiled at him and stood up. She pulled him up to stand with her and supported him with her arm.

“Come, meet your betrothed, little raven.” She moved him a few steps toward Thorin and Fili. He could do nothing but follow her. It seemed that he was outside of himself watching, he felt heavy and slow.

Thorin moved forward with Fili until they were all standing in the center of the dais. Thorin took Fili’s hand and moved it towards Dis and Kili. Dis took Kili’s hand and moved it towards Thorin and Fili. When their hands were put together Thorin and Dis stepped back. The noise in the hall was deafening as every dwarf cheered and stomped their feet. Music began to play and the celebration started up again even louder and merrier than before.

Kili was confused. He looked at his hand in Fili’s. He looked behind him at his uncle and mother to see them smiling and laughing at him. He looked back to his and Fili’s hands. His brows furrowed in concentration. Kili looked at Fili who was watching him carefully. Fili looked nervous. He gave Kili a little, shy smile and squeezed his hand.

It hit Kili then. Hit him with the force of one of Mister Dwalin’s blows in the practice ring. Kili’s face went from confusion to shock. He looked once more to Thorin and Dis who were still smiling and laughing, he looked back to his hand joined with Fili’s, and then he looked at Fili again with his eyes the widest they have ever been in his life and a deep blush the likes of which no dwarf in the hall had ever seen before.

He had just been betrothed to Fili!


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The silence after the big announcement...

Fili was looking at him again. He could feel it. 

They were sitting side-by-side at the high table. Alone now that Thorin and Dis had joined the party. Thorin was deep in conversation and ale with a group of dwarves off to the side of the hall and appeared to be actually enjoying himself. Dis had joined in on the dancing and was stomping and twirling her way through every dwarf brave enough to ask her for a dance. 

The long line of well-wishers had finally trickled away too. Every dwarf in the hall had filed past them offering congratulations to Fili once the cheering had finally died down. Fili had spoken to each of them, thanking them, and keeping the line moving along at a steady pace. His training serving him well. Only a handful had bothered speaking to Kili but Fili didn’t seem to notice or think anything of that.

Kili had spent the hour or so since the announcement and his panic attack staring at the table in front of him in silence. His mind was surprisingly numb and quiet. Fili was quiet as well mostly watching the dancers but he would turn and watch Kili for a few moments every now and then which made Kili very nervous. 

Kili had never felt uncomfortable in his brothers’ presence before. Growing up they had been inseparable, doing everything together and even finishing each other’s sentences. They had shared a room and the ability to get in and out of trouble daily. They had learned how to use weapons together and trained together almost every day. They spent days hunting, fishing, and playing in the forest together. They had braided each other’s hair every morning, well Kili braided Fili’s hair while Fili only brushed Kili’s, but still. Kili had thought it would never change. He thought there would never be a time when he did not do everything with his brother. He looked up to and admired Fili more than anyone else, even Thorin. It was Fili’s opinion that he valued above all others. Fili had said it was okay to use a bow so use a bow Kili did without regard to what others said about it. Fili had said that using a long sword instead of an axe was okay so use a long sword Kili did, also without regard to what others said about it. He cared little what others thought of him and never did. He cared only for what his brother thought of him.

When Thorin decided, just over twenty years ago, that it was time for Fili’s training as a blacksmith to begin is when Kili’s whole world had changed. Fili no longer had the time to spend with Kili that he used to. Kili had to hunt, fish, and even train without his brother. They no longer shared a room since Fili slept above the forge with Thorin. Fili started braiding his own hair too since Kili could no longer do it for him. Fili began to have a life without Kili and there was nothing Kili could do about it. He had felt so very alone and lost. He watched from a distance as Fili began going to the taverns in the evenings and enjoying the company of others. He watched as Fili began going on patrols around Ered Luin regularly and travelling with Thorin to spend whole seasons working in towns of Men as blacksmiths to bring money home. He watched as Fili made a life for himself that did not include Kili.

Now Kili found himself sitting next to his brother, newly betrothed to him, and not having a clue as to how to feel about it or what to say or do. Surely Fili must be upset to have been betrothed to him rather than a better suited dwarrowdam or Bearer. Fili was Thorin’s heir. He should have been betrothed to another heir. He should not have to settle for Kili.

So Kili sat in silence feeling too numb and confused to do anything else. He could only hope that Fili would not be too disappointed because Kili could not imagine anything worse than his brother being disappointed in him.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kili and Fili have a chat...

“Kili.”

Fili’s voice was quiet but he was leaning over close enough to Kili that it could be heard.

Kili did not look up from his hole-boring stare at the table when he answered, “Yes, Fili?”

“Are you all right?”

“Yes.”

Fili heaved a great sigh and stood up. Kili looked at him in surprise, sure his brother was about to tell him how angry he was about being betrothed to _him_ of all dwarves. Instead, Fili pulled Kili to his feet, took his hand, and proceeded to pull him through the mass of dwarves still celebrating in the hall out into the fresh night air. He continued all the way to their childhood home (still Kili’s home) and into the sitting room where he pushed Kili down into a chair. He then went into the kitchen where Kili could hear him preparing tea.

Fili came back with two cups of tea, handing one to Kili before sitting in the other chair. He took a sip and set the mug down on the table and stared into the center of the floor. He seemed deep in thought. Kili gulped down half the tea, burning his tongue a little, and also set his mug down. He did not have to wait long for Fili to speak.

“Are you…” Kili cut him off.

“I’m sorry, Fili! I’m so sorry! I know you must be disappointed, who wouldn’t be? I mean, I know no one would actually _want_ to have me and I know you deserve someone so much better! Maybe we can talk to Thorin and Amad…make them find you someone who is worthy of you and…”

“Kili!” Fili cut him off.

Kili stopped rambling and stared down at the floor. His hands clutched at the arms of the chair so tightly that his knuckles were white.

“Kili, do you…do you think that _I_ am upset about our betrothal?”

“Y-yes.” Kili stuttered. “I understand, I really do, I know you deserve…”

“Kili!” Fili cut him off again and then took a deep breath.

“Kili, I am not upset about our betrothal.” Fili spoke slowly and carefully as if trying not to spook a startled pony. “I thought that _you_ were upset about it.”

Kili looked at Fili as Fili looked at him. The house was silent around them.

“I-I…why…you aren’t…you aren’t disappointed?” Kili managed to ask.

“No. Why would I be disappointed, Kili?” Fili sounded genuinely curious and sincere.

Kili was confused and slightly stunned. He furrowed his thick brows together and stared at the floor again. Could Fili really not be disappointed in being betrothed to him? How could he possibly think that Kili was good enough to be his mate? His _consort_? The _bearer of his children_? Now _that_ was a thought that had Kili blushing _yet_ _again_ \- best to stay away from there.

“Kili, you’re my brother and I love you.” Fili reached over and took Kili’s hand as he spoke. “Why would I be disappointed to have you by my side for the rest of my life? I can think of no other that I would be more comfortable with than you. No other that I trust nearly half as much as I trust you. No other that I would ever know as well as I know you. Why would I want a stranger when I can have you? That is, at least…or as long as…you want me too.”

Kili stared open-mouthed at Fili. He couldn’t quite rap his head around what Fili had just said to him. It didn’t seem real. Fili seemed so sincere, so serious. He wanted so badly to grab onto Fili’s words and just believe them but he couldn’t help but wonder if Fili was just saying what he thought Kili wanted to hear. Maybe Fili was just trying to make the best of things without hurting his feelings. Maybe he felt like he had no choice but to pretend to accept Kili to make the whole betrothal easier to bear. Maybe, maybe, maybe… Kili hated doubting Fili! Fili had never given him any reason to believe that he felt how everyone else felt about him. Fili had always been his biggest (if only) supporter and had always been honest with him. Surely he wouldn’t start lying to him now.

His internal struggles must have shown on his face because Fili took a deep breath then moved from his chair to kneel beside Kili’s chair. He was still holding Kili’s hand and moved slowly and carefully. Kili watched him with his mouth still open.

“Kili. I know that we are officially betrothed now but it would mean a lot to me if you would agree to have me.” Fili was still speaking as though he thought Kili might bolt or panic at any moment. Which, Kili would acknowledge later, was probably a good move.

“What say you, Kili? Will you have me?”

Kili continued to stare at Fili. He seemed almost shy as he watched Kili carefully from where he knelt on the floor. He was holding Kili’s hand in both of his own and Kili could feel his palms sweating. If Fili was sweating, Fili was nervous. Fili wouldn’t be nervous if he wasn’t serious, if he didn’t mean what he said. Kili suddenly inhaled deeply as though he hadn’t taken a breath in an hour and finally closed his mouth.

Kili remembered how close he and his brother used to be. He remembered how much he missed Fili when he had moved above the forge. He remembered how lost and alone he felt as he watched his brother build a life without him in it.

He looked at his hand in Fili’s hands, then looked into Fili’s eyes, then looked quickly down at their hands again and whispered his answer.

“Yes.”

“Yes?”

“Yes.” Kili whispered again.

“Can I begin courting you tomorrow then?”

Another whisper. “Yes.”

“Good.”

Fili then stood and raised Kili’s hand to his lips. He pressed a quick kiss to the back of Kili’s hand. Kili took another deep breath. Fili released his hand and moved to the front door.

“I’ll see you tomorrow then.” He said as he opened the door. “Goodnight, Kili.”

Fili left and closed the door behind him.

Kili finally looked up after the door closed. He turned to look out the window and watched his brother, his _betrothed_ , walk away towards the town and his own home above the forge.

He still felt a little confused but for the moment at least the doubts had stopped and his mind was quiet. For the first time in a long time Kili felt a small spark of hope. Hope that maybe his betrothal was not the end-of-his-life-doom that he had been thinking it was. Hope that maybe he would finally get his brother back in his life. Hope that maybe his future would not be as lonely as it had appeared it would be for so long.

Kili took yet another deep breath and finally smiled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the comments and kudos, I appreciate every single one!!


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Courting begins? Maybe...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two chapters in one day!!

The next time Kili saw Fili he was covered in blood. Kili was covered in blood, that is. Not Fili - because why would Fili be covered in blood? Kili, on the other hand, seemed to always be covered in something; dirt, leaves, mud, grass, blood. Granted, the blood usually came from cleaning and carrying his kills’ home rather than himself, but still, nothing too new. Dis was forever complaining about the state of his clothes. The only difference today was that the blood was his own and Fili had caught sight of him.

Fili, who was _courting_ Kili and coming by the house to _proceed with said courting_ of Kili and who had now _seen_ Kili with large amounts of blood running down the side of his face and neck.

Fili was not happy.

Fili had a lot of questions about what had happened.

Fili could not be gotten rid of.

Kili would have to explain.

“All right, all right! Give me a minute.” With that Fili stopped banging on the door to the bathroom and Kili heard him move away from the door. No doubt going to sit in the lounge and wait for Kili to come out and explain what happened.

Reasonable.

Except Kili did not know how to explain what happened. He did not know how to explain that a group of Fili’s own friends had been terrorizing him for decades and that today they had decided that it would be hilarious to chuck a huge rock at him while he was at the archery range. He had been so focused on aiming at the new moving target he had just set up that he did not even hear them approach. The rock had hit him right in the temple, knocked him down, and proceeded to produce a cut that had still not stopped bleeding.

Kili cleaned himself up as best he could and headed to the lounge with a towel held to his head. He could hear Fili before he even reached the end of the hall.

“He won’t tell me what happened, Amad.” Fili ground out.

“Your brother comes home with injuries, Fili. It’s normal.” Dis said. “I’m sure there is nothing you need to worry about.”

“That was not a ‘normal’ injury, Amad! It looked like someone bashed his head against a wall!” Fili was angry now, nearly yelling at their mother. Dis just took it in stride, after all, Fili hardly knew what was ‘normal’ for Kili anymore. Still, Kili hurried into the room not wanting to give his mother time to lose her temper.

As he came around the corner Fili jumped out of the chair he was sitting in and rushed to Kili’s side. He gently took hold of the towel and removed it from Kili’s head and examined the wound.

“You’re going to need to see Oin and have this stitched closed.” Fili held onto Kili shoulder and would not let him move away as he continued to check Kili for other injuries.

Kili grumbled and tried to bat his hands away. “Fine. I’ll head over there now.”

“I’ll go with you.”

“No! Kili blurted. “I mean, I can get there on my own. You don’t need to come with me.”

“I know I don’t _need_ to but I will anyway.”

Kili just stared at the ground. Great, now instead of doing something for courting (whatever that was going to be, Kili had no clue) he and Fili were going to spend the evening attempting to communicate with Oin while Kili received stitches and then probably talk about what happened. Wonderful. Fili took his arm and led him out of the house and towards Oin’s. Kili just went where he was lead, convinced that his brother must be upset at how he was having to take care of Kili rather than court him.

Neither one noticed Dis’ smile as she watched them through their exchange.

The walk to Oin’s was quiet. Fili did not ask any more questions about what had happened and Kili did not offer any explanations.

Oin received them and sat Kili on a stool near the fire so he had plenty of light and began examining Kili’s head. He didn’t say much, he was more than used to Kili showing up with mysterious cuts and bruises so he simply cleaned and stitched the cut and explained the importance of keeping it clean and dry. Kili kept waiting for Fili to ask if Oin could tell how the cut had happened but he remained silent. Just as he began to think that he would make it out of Oin’s without anything happening to upset Fili further, Oin spoke.

“These cuts of yours are becoming routine, lad.” Oin gave him a look that spoke volumes and Kili smiled sheepishly as he moved through the door with Fili following behind.

Fili took his arm again as they headed back. “What did Oin mean, Kili?” he asked quietly. “Amad said something about you being hurt often too.” Fili wasn’t looking at him but his hold on Kili’s arm was firm as he practically pulled Kili through the street.

“It’s nothing. I’m just clumsy, you know that.”

“You didn’t fall and get that head wound, Kili.”

“Yes, I did.”

“Kili.”

“Fili.”

“Kili!” Fili stopped in the middle of the street and turned so they were facing each other. “Will you just tell me the truth? You have always been a terrible liar, you know.”

“I’m not lying. I tripped at the archery range and fell on a rock.” Kili tried to sound convincing but he knew his brother wasn’t buying it. Fili could always tell when he was lying but what else could he do? If Fili didn’t already know about how his friends treated him then he sure wasn’t going to tell him about it. He didn’t want Fili to think badly of him for not defending himself for all these years. How could he explain that he didn’t fight back anymore because it just didn’t make any difference? Fili wouldn’t understand. No one else did. Gimli became furious whenever he found out about anything that had happened and usually let his temper loose on Kili since the actual perpetrators were long gone by then. Ori just looked disappointed, whether at Kili or the ‘gang’ as Ori called them, he wasn’t sure and he never asked. He didn’t want to know how Fili would react.

“And I suppose you ‘trip’ all the other times you come home cut and bruised too?” Fili didn’t even try to hide the sarcasm in his voice.

“No, not all the time.” Kili mumbled while still looking everywhere but at his brother. “Sometimes I run into things.”

“Kili…” Fili shook his head and sighed. He started walking again pulling Kili along with him. When they got to the front door Fili stopped and faced Kili again.

“I wish you would tell me what really happened, Kili. I know you’re not telling me the truth.” Fili was speaking quietly. He slid his hand down Kili’s arm to grasp his hand and took the other hand as well.

“You can tell me anything you know. You used to.”

“I know.” Kili was staring at their hands. He still couldn’t look at Fili. He didn’t want to see the disappointment in his eyes that he could hear in his voice. “If there was anything to tell, I would.”

“Hmm.” Fili squeezed his hands. “You should go in and get some rest. Oin said it would help you heal faster.”

“Okay.”

“Kili?”

“Yes?”

“I won’t be able to see you for the next couple of days. I need to work late at the forge.”

“Sure.” There it was. Fili didn’t want to spend time with him because he knew Kili was lying. No one liked liars anyway. “Okay.”

“Kili?”

“Yes?”

“The reason I’m going to be working late is so that I can make your courting beads.” Fili was smiling now.

Kili’s head shot up and he stared at Fili with wide eyes. “Wh-What…why?”

“Well,” Fili was smirking now, smirking that infuriating smirk that just screamed cockiness. “We’re courting and the traditional first gift is courting beads.”

He said this as if Kili should know about this particular tradition already. He did know. It had just slipped his mind. In the near-constant state of panic he had been in for the past month he had completely forgotten about courting gifts. Oh Mahal, _courting gifts_. He needed to make Fili courting beads! What if Fili didn’t like the beads he made? What if they looked terrible and Fili wore them anyway and went around with ugly beads in his hair? What if…

Fili interrupted his panicked inner monologue by squeezing his hands.

“I wasn’t actually going to make you beads though,” he said. “I know braids never stay in your hair so... I was going to make you a hair clip. Would that be alright?”

“Y-yes, I’d like that.” Kili whispered. He was blushing furiously now and had no idea why. His head must have gotten hit harder than he thought.

“Okay then, good.” Fili smiled and let go of one hand and opened the front door. He smiled at Dis who was in the kitchen and turned again to Kili. “Goodnight then and get some rest, okay.” He smiled at Kili, kissed the back of the hand he still held, nudged Kili through the door towards Dis and closed the door.

Kili stood in the entryway looking at the floor with his arms wrapped around himself and blushing bright red. He stood there until his mother pulled him to the table for dinner.

Dis couldn't help but shake her head and chuckle under her breath at her two boys; Fili, who could not stop smiling, and Kili, who could not stop blushing.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kili considers his feelings for Fili.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the delay in posting, June is a big summer hockey month so I've been reeaallly busy...

Kili was hiding out in the forest again only this time it was not in dread but confusion.

He had finished the courting beads for Fili the night before and was very pleased with them. He had decided to use silver since it would stand out best in Fili’s golden hair and he had added a dark finish to make the carvings stand out. The carvings were easily some of his best work yet and Master Frar had been impressed with his apprentice when Kili had shown him the completed beads. Each bead was edged in a detailed border and each had Fili and Kili’s sigil gently crossed so that they joined together while still being separate. Each bead then had another carving opposite the sigils that showed something distinctive to Fili and Kili’s lives. One held Fili’s twin swords crossed over each other, one held a blacksmiths hammer, and one a bow and arrow. The carving he was most proud of however was the waterfall where they had spent so many lazy summer days together while growing up. Each carving was like a little secret seemingly out in the open for all to see.

Dis had exclaimed over the beads to a ridiculous degree until Kili had to take them away from her and leave the house. She had embarrassed him so badly with the things she had said that he blushed even now just thinking about them. He had been pleased to hear her praise his craftsmanship and had puffed up with pride but then she had started talking about the wedding, the wedding night, and children. It was as if she was trying to embarrass him!

Now that he really thought about it, she probably was. It seemed like she had been for the past two days. Dis seemed to take every opportunity to talk about Fili and how handsome he was, what a good fighter he was, what a good husband he would make. It was honestly driving Kili crazy!

The only real thinking that Kili had ever done about his future mate had been full of dread. He hadn’t put any thought into how he might feel about the dwarf, only what they would probably feel about him. He knew how he felt about his brother but not how he felt about Fili as his future husband. Now that he had completed the courting beads and would be meeting Fili this evening to exchange their first courting gifts he began to think about the situation more and more.

His first reaction to being betrothed to Fili had been shock, then relief as he realized that he would not be leaving his home for a life with a strange dwarf. His final reaction, and the one he had been most hung up on, had been worry over how Fili felt about it.

Fili had surprised him though. He had been so sure that his brother would be disappointed and angry but he hadn’t been. It still didn’t seem real. He couldn’t help but wonder _why_ Fili had _not_ been disappointed or angry though. Fili had seemed relieved to have _his brother_ by his side for a lifetime but weren’t they supposed to be _more than brothers_ now, or at least in the future?

They were betrothed to be married after all and that meant a lot more than just being brothers.

Did Fili even think of him as anything but a brother? Probably not. Maybe Fili intended to just be brothers who were married. After all, he couldn’t possibly be attracted to him of all dwarves. He wasn’t even sure if his brother even _liked_ males. He knew very little of how Fili had spent his free time in the last twenty years, he could have spent it bedding every willing dwarrowdam he could find. Maybe he had a favorite already and meant to have his ‘real’ marriage with her while having a ‘formal’ marriage with Kili. Maybe Fili even resented him for being the one he had to marry rather than the dwarrowdam he loved!

Kili’s oncoming panic was luckily interrupted by a large flock of ravens flying overhead bringing him back to the fact that he was sitting high up in a tree hiding. Again. He _really_ needed to get a grip on his thoughts.

Did he think of Fili as anything but a brother? Kili had no experience with physical love. He had overheard dwarves talking in the tavern and Ori had told him about the love stories he had read and how falling and being in love was described. The only time Kili had felt anything like what he had heard about was when Fili had kissed his hand those two times. Come to think of it, the only dwarf he had ever thought of as attractive was his brother. He then realized that hearing his mother carry on about Fili the way she had been had only embarrassed him because of the way he reacted. He hadn’t been able to stop the blushes his mother’s words had caused. He had felt warm and tingly thinking of how handsome Fili was. Kili had immediately thought of how his brothers golden hair shown in the sunlight, how his eyes were bluer and clearer than the sky on a bright summer’s day, and how soft his lips had felt on Kili’s hand. Whenever he had glimpsed Fili sparring he couldn’t help but stare at how the muscles moved under his loose shirt as he swung his twin swords and the thought of Fili using those swords to protect him had sent his stomach into tight knots. The idea of kissing and being more intimate with Fili practically sent Kili into dizzy spells.

Kili suddenly realized that the idea of being more than just a brother to Fili was something he very much wanted. He did not like the idea of someone else being in any way intimate with Fili. The thought of someone else bearing Fili’s children made him nauseous despite the fact that the thought of creating those children made him heat up like he had a fever and squirm around on the tree branch he was perched on. At least his body was not feeling at all awkward about the idea. The thought of having only a marriage for show was not something he was willing to even think about.

He had no idea how to go about courting really or winning affection but he was determined to try his best. Kili gathered his nerve and descended the tree. He had time to clean up a bit before meeting Fili. He would gift the courting beads to Fili and hope that they, as well as himself, would be good enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next up - Fili's POV!


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fili does some thinking...

Fili finished polishing the silver hair clip in his hands and set it down on a soft cloth on the workbench. It was nearly a twin to the one he wore in his own hair. He had thought of several original designs but since the clip was taking the place of courting beads he wanted it to be obvious who had gifted it. There needed to be no doubt who Kili was betrothed to, whose husband he was going to be.

The completed hair clip shown in the lamplight. It bore Fili’s sigil in the center above a carved arrow surrounded by an intricate dwarvish border. The fine work of engraving was not his strong suit so the design had taken a lot of time and concentration but the final result was well worth it. Simple, yet ornate. A bit unconventional but then so was Kili. It was perfect.

Fili began to straighten the forge from the day’s labor. Thorin had left several hours ago to see to his other duties so Fili had the evening to himself. He dreaded taking over Thorin’s duties as they seemed never-ending but at least he would have Kili to help him when that time came. Kili. His little brother. His _betrothed_. The thought sent a shiver down his spine.

Shaking his head in an attempt to clear his thoughts, Fili headed upstairs. He placed the hair clip in the top drawer of his dresser for safekeeping until he gifted it to Kili tomorrow and went to heat up dinner. As he ate, he couldn’t help but think of his brother.

Sitting at the table during Kili’s coming of age ceremony, Fili had been filled with dread. He had been certain that he was about to be saddled with Dain’s niece and Kili sent off to the Iron Hills for Dain’s son. He’d been sure that Thorin would make them marriages that would bring further security to the dwarves of Ered Luin as well as support for Thorin’s dream of reclaiming Erebor. So when Thorin had announced that his two heirs would be joined as mates he had been shocked, then overjoyed. There is no one else that he would rather have, no one else he would ever choose to have as his consort-only Kili. He had resigned himself to doing his duty and never allowed himself to hope that he could have his brother but once Thorin had said those words his heart had opened like a damn bursting.

However, from the moment he looked at Kili after the announcement, he had felt a cloud over his happiness. He knew that he had distanced himself from Kili since he had moved to the forge with Thorin two decades ago. The distance made it easier to keep his feelings for his little brother in check and his thoughts under control. He told himself that it would be good for Kili too. That with the distance Kili could forge his own path out of his shadow and make his own friends. He didn’t want to hold his little brother back from anything and Kili was capable of just about anything what with all that passion and potential burning inside of him.

He had watched as Kili’s visits to the forge became less and less frequent until they stopped altogether. He had been saddened to see so little of his brother but also happy that Kili seemed to be making a life of his own. A life without Fili. A life of archery, lessons with both Balin and Dwalin, apprenticing with the engraver Master Frar, hunting, and of course weapons training.

Growing up was busy work.

Seeing Kili so much in the past several weeks while preparing for his coming of age and then to begin courting had made Fili realize that his brother had not just grown up but also changed. Changed in ways Fili had not noticed before.

Sure Fili had noticed the physical changes, how could he not? He noticed how his little brother was now taller than he was and how he had filled out his slim frame with long, lean muscle. He noticed how Kili’s hair was longer and thicker and his beard (stubble) was fuller.

What he hadn’t noticed though were the other changes.

He hadn’t noticed how Kili’s big, beautiful doe eyes no longer sparkled with mischief and merriment but were shadowed and watchful. Or how Kili’s reckless, boisterous confidence had been replaced by insecurity and silence.

Fili couldn’t remember the last time he had seen his brother in the tavern or even just in the market. He couldn’t remember the last time he had heard Kili laugh without restraint. He didn’t know where he went on the days he disappeared and returned home with no game. He didn’t even know who Kili’s friends were outside of Gimli and Ori.

To make matters worse, was the fact that something had clearly happened to Kili to cause the changes he now saw. Something that it was obvious no one wanted to tell him about.

He thought of their mother and her careful answers to his questions about Kili’s injuries after finding him heading home bleeding from a head wound. How his mother, a mother-hen who put even Dori to shame, had tried to seem unconcerned about the blood pouring down her youngest sons face. He thought of Oin and how oddly comfortable he had been while stitching up Kili, never even asking how the injury had happened, and making a comment about injuries becoming routine. Something was clearly going on. He had known Kili was lying about how he had gotten hurt but at the time he didn’t want to push the subject and upset Kili further. Now though, now he wanted answers.

He wanted to know what had happened to his baby brother. What had changed him from the brash and fiery dwarf he had been to the insecure and secretive dwarf he now was.

Fili cursed himself and his own stupidity for allowing him and his brother to drift so far apart. What began as the desire for some distance to help his own self-control had become a chasm so wide he could barely see the other side of it. How could he have allowed himself to drift so far from the one he loved the most?

No wonder Kili had been so convinced that Fili wouldn’t want him as a mate. His brother had every reason to think that Fili wanted nothing to do with him since he had had next to nothing to do with him for nearly twenty years!

Fili quickly cleared what remained of his dinner. He had to make this right!

He downstairs and out the front door. He knew just who to talk to in order to get the answers he needed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A great big THANK YOU to everyone who has left me kudos and comments!! Each one really means a lot!
> 
> I haven't written anything in a long, long time and I can tell that my writing is not what it used to be. I'm not sure I would have had the nerve to keep going with this and thereby improve my writing without the support. I was so worried that people would just tell me to get off this site cause I suck...


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Taverns, training fields, and towns of Men - oh, my!

Fili watched the sunrise over the town with a mug of long cold tea clenched in his hands. He had spent most of the night here, just staring out the window. His body ached from sitting in one position for so many hours. Being extremely tense the entire time had probably not helped any either.

He wasn’t certain exactly how long he had been sitting here. He had spent a couple of hours at the tavern being thoroughly enlightened by an extremely incredulous and angry Gimli about the level of his own stupidity with regards to Kili.

Gimli, once Fili’s questions reached his mind through the haze of ale he had been enjoying, held nothing back. He had proceeded to explain/yell at Fili in great detail practically every instance of Kili’s mistreatment over the last twenty years.

And mistreatment is what it was. Clearly and without a doubt. Not just by Fili’s so-called friends either. It seems the entire settlement was guilty of contributing on at least some level either by active participation (only a few and rare) or by passive indifference (the majority and daily).

Then there were those few, and Gimli had included himself with these, who knew and purposefully kept any knowledge from reaching Fili. All at Kili’s insistence. Gimli had shown extreme remorse at this admission as well as a hefty dose of self-directed anger. Even the knowledge that the several falling-out’s he and Kili had had over the last decade, which had been caused by Gimli either arguing with Kili to tell Fili or threatening to tell Fili himself, could ease the shame Gimli felt. And that shame and self-loathing that Gimli felt seemed to actively stoke the fire of his anger at Fili.

Fili would expect nothing less from Gimli. He may be a decade younger than Kili but Gimli was one of the most honorable dwarves Fili knew. He was fiercely loyal and protective of those he loved. As much as Fili had thought he himself was.

Only Gimli wasn’t blind and wouldn’t allow himself to be blinded. Gimli would never distance himself from those he loved in the misguided belief that he was giving them what they needed. Gimli would never allow himself to _not_ be a part of the life of the one he loved best. Gimli was forceful, determined, and steady.

Fili had never felt shame to the level he had felt it as he sat at a corner table in the tavern having the facts of his failures to his brother laid out so clearly for him by Gimli.

After about two hours Gimli seemed to deflate. He had stared at Fili intently for a few minutes, slightly swaying in his chair.

“You make this right.”

It was said as a statement, almost of fact, but Fili felt it as an order. An order which carried as much, if not more, weight as any order Thorin had ever given him.

Fili could only nod his head in response. He was too numb, too shocked, to _shamed_ to speak.

After taking Gimli home, Fili returned to the shop. He made his way quietly upstairs and sat by the window. He had only moved once, when Thorin quietly placed a mug of tea in his hands. Thorin had said nothing, only squeezed Fili’s shoulder before heading downstairs to open the shop for the day. He knew he should join Thorin, knew there was plenty of work to be done but he just couldn’t move.

He was so deeply ashamed. He had failed Kili. He had failed to protect him, failed to support him, failed to be part of his life. Even more, Fili had failed to even _see_ him. Gimli’s words kept repeating in his head and his mind so helpfully added memories of Kili’s injuries and behavior to the words. Everything is so crystal clear looking back. The fact that he hadn’t suspected anything was off with his brother tears at his soul. That he had failed to even notice Kili’s pain, his suffering, will haunt him the rest of his days. He sat, body weighed down with regret, as the sun rose completely over Ered Luin.

Nothing he can do will ever make this right. He can never erase the years of torment Kili lived through. He can never erase the memories that Kili bears – or the scars.

For the first time in his life, Fili feels truly unworthy.

Suddenly Fili is overcome with the desire to see Kili. To apologize for failing him, to beg forgiveness for his distance and blindness, to plead for the chance to do better-to do right by Kili for the rest of his life. He wants to hold his baby brother close, breathe in his scent, and murmur promises into his skin.

Fili moves quickly down the stairs and out the door bypassing Thorin and any questions he may have and ran in the direction of thee training fields.

 

 

When Fili arrived at the training fields the day’s lessons had yet to begin. Dwarves were still arriving and those who were already here were warming up their bodies in an attempt to prevent injuries. He scanned the area for his brother but didn’t see him. He did, however, see Dwalin as the large warrior stepped in front of him blocking his path.

“Not time for ya to be here.”

“I’m looking for Kili.”

“Humph.” Dwalin grunted at him. “I won’t have this courtin business interruptin the lads trainin.”

Fili kept eye contact with the much larger dwarf. He had known Dwalin his entire life and while he respected the warrior he did not fear him as others did. It was kind of hard to when Dwalin had played games and read bedtime stories to him and his brother - bedtime stories with _voices_ and battle sounds.

“Just today Dwalin. It’s important.”

“Not courtin business?”

“No.”

“Humph.” Dwalin grunted again.

It seemed to Fili that the war master was content to just stare at him so Fili sighed and raised his eyebrows in a completely unamused manner.

“He ain’t here and won’t be here today.” Dwalin growled at him with his own eyebrows seemingly trying to imitate the Durin Glare.

“What? Why not? Where is he?” Fili all but stuttered out.

“Humph.”

“Really, Dwalin?”

“Fine.” The old warrior relented. “He’s over with the men today. Lad goes to train with them once a week.”

Fili stared. “Since when?”

Dwalin stared back. “For a few years now.”

“Why?” Fili couldn’t help but ask.

“Go on and find him. See for yerself.” He grumbled. “Might just learn a few things ‘bout that brother of yers. Be good for ya. Ya need it.”

With that Dwalin turned and stomped towards the fighting rings yelling out orders for the assembled dwarves to pair off and start sparring.

Fili stood where he was. Why was Kili training with Men? Why did Dwalin not only allow it but seem to be okay with it? It seemed there was even more that Fili did not know about his brother than what he had been enlightened to by Gimli.

As he was turning to leave Fili noticed two dwarves watching him with unconcealed dislike on their faces. Before he could say anything however they started speaking to each other while clearly meaning for Fili to hear every word.

“Wonder what he is doing here all of a sudden?” The black haired one said.

“Not sure, maybe he’s feigning interest.” The other, with deep red hair, stated.

“Little late for that.” Black Hair said bitterly.

“Sure, but you got to keep up appearances. They are betrothed now, after all.” Dark Red shrugged.

“I still think Kili could do better.” Black Hair said while glaring at Fili. “He deserves someone who cares for him at least.”

“Yep.” Dark Red agreed.

Fili was stunned. Not only was he not used to anyone speaking with such hostility about him but these two clearly knew his brother and had formed a very firm, very unflattering opinion of Fili regarding his treatment of Kili.

“I would never accept a mate like him.” Black Hair again.

Fili looked closer at the black haired dwarf and saw the braid he wore. A bearer then, like Kili.

“Nor should you have to.” Dark Red agreed.

Black Hair moved towards where Fili’s feet seemed to have rooted to the ground in his shock. Dark Red followed him. They stood in front of Fili, side-by-side and staring with some serious animosity in their eyes. Fili could only blink.

“Prince or not, brother or not,” Black Hair began, “you don’t deserve him. Why he wants you I will never understand but you had better pull your head out of your ass quick and rethink the order of your priorities.”

Dark Red nudged Black Hair with his shoulder as if to calm him down.

“You had better start treating him better and giving him your attention.” Dark Red growled at him.

“I’m Gren and this,” Black Hair nodded to Dark Red,” is Daven. We’re friends of Kili’s.”

“We’ll be watching.” Dark Red finished.

With that the two dwarves marched off towards an empty practice ring. They didn’t look back once.

Fili turned and stumbled off towards the town in shock. Kili’s friends obviously didn’t like him. They also obviously disapproved of how he had distanced himself from Kili which meant that his brother must have been affected by the distance a lot. Mahal, but Fili felt like such an idiot! Worse than that but his brain wasn’t working right at the moment and ‘idiot’ was the best it could come up with.

He berated himself the whole way through town, paying no attention to anyone who greeted him or tried to speak with him. He crossed the bridge and passed into the town of men turning north towards their training fields. Fili didn’t come here often but he knew the general layout so finding his way was easy.

Fili heard the ringing of steel on steel as he rounded the last building and the fields came into view. Only one sparring ring was being used, the other men were gathered around it watching the pair inside and cheering or laughing as a move called for.

Fili scanned the crowd for his brother but saw no sign of him. Of course, men were much taller than dwarves so overlooking his brother would be easy. Just as he was beginning to think Kili hadn’t arrived yet he heard his brothers laugh ring out.

Kili’s laugh. Loud, hearty, and carefree. Fili realized then that he couldn’t remember when he last heard Kili laugh like that – without restraint or secrets. Freely.

Fili moved to the side for a better view of the pair in the ring. The first man he saw had long brown hair striped with grey and was much taller than all the men around him. He swung a two-handed broadsword that looked, from this distance, to be as long as Fili was tall. The man moved like a cat, quick and smooth. It was easy to admire and respect the man’s swordsmanship.

When Fili finally caught sight of the tall swordsman’s opponent his breath caught with an audible gasp. It was Kili! Kili was the one moving the tall man towards the edge of the ring. Kili was the one causing the tall man to run to the side while barely blocking a blow aimed at his chest. Kili was the one laughing with the tall man as they exchanged blows and worked to get the other out of the ring to win the match.

Fili had never seen Kili use a long-sword before, didn’t even know he could. Only a few dwarves were even capable of it that he knew of. And yet, watching Kili move around the ring wielding a sword nearly as long as he was tall, Fili could see that his brother was a master with the weapon.

So much he didn’t know about his brother. So much he had not even thought possible or imagined. What else had he missed? How else had he failed?

Fili’s thoughts were interrupted by a gruff voice next to him.

“You know our dwarf?”

_Your dwarf?_ The man next to him could easily be described as the man-sized version of Dwalin. He was built like a mountain with short hair and a short beard. He wasn’t looking at Fili but was still watching the match in front of them.

“I do. Yes.” Was all Fili could say.

“Have you come to spar then?” The gruff voice asked. “We’ve been asking him if the other dwarves share his courage but none have shown up yet. Until you.”

Fili blinked at the man. His tone was slightly teasing and the look in his eye when he finally turned to Fili was one of mischief. A look he was very familiar with having Kili for a brother. He realized that this man must be _friends_ with Kili. It made sense when he thought about it. While his brother had a great many skills they were not skills that dwarves valued. He remembered what Gimli had told him last night and burned with anger that his precious brother was so undervalued and unappreciated by his own race that he could only find friends with men.

“I think I’ll just watch today,” Fili told the man, “but I’m not opposed to sparring in the future.”

The man laughed at that though Fili wasn’t sure why.

“Excellent!” He declared and slapped Fili on the back with a huge, meaty hand.

“Hildan is my name and I’ll gladly take you up on that.”

“Fili, son of Dis and I’ll look forward to it.”

“Good, go-.” Hildan was interrupted as a loud cheer erupted from the crowd around them and drew their full attention back to the sparring ring.

“Ah, looks like Eadric got himself bested again! Excuse me but I must go collect my winnings.” He gave Fili a nod and a somewhat scary smile before heading off into the crowd.

Fili moved back from the main group and found a spot in the shade by a small shed where he was close enough to see and hear clearly.

He spends the morning watching Kili. Watching how relaxed and at ease his brother is even though he is sparring with opponents nearly twice his size. The tense set to his shoulders is gone replaced with easy, graceful movements. He laughs often and talks freely with those around him and they with him. Kili has friends here. Kili is respected here. Fili is filled with such sadness that his brother cannot find those things with his own race but is glad that he at least found it somewhere.

He has failed Kili as his brother. There is no way around that fact, no excuse to justify it, nothing to be done to make it right. But as Fili sits in the shade watching Kili shine like the sun itself he is determined that he will not fail Kili as his husband.

Fili leaves the training fields and the town of men heading home with purpose. He is meeting Kili tonight to exchange courting gifts and has every intention of letting is baby brother know how absolutely perfect Fili finds him.

Tomorrow at dawn, he and his ‘friends’ will set out for patrol duty and Fili smiles darkly at that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much to everyone who left me comments after the last chapter (and before)!! I am so thrilled to have anyone interested in this story, much less so many! Thank you so much for your support!!
> 
> This is a really long chapter to make up for how long its been since I posted the last one. I hope you like it - Fili is finally "getting" things so yeah!
> 
> I'm over on tumblr too!


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Head bangs, dinner, and courting gifts.

Dis is standing in the kitchen watching her youngest son fumble around over at the dinner table. It seemed that he was having a particularly difficult time with walking lately so she thinks that she really shouldn’t be surprised that setting the table for dinner proves a challenge. She can’t help the small chuckle that escapes as he drops yet another bowl. Luckily, she is saved from his impressive Durin Glare by a knock on the door.

“Can you get that please, Kili?”

She can hear him mumble something under his breath as he makes his way to the front door. Of course he trips over his own feet on the way. She just smiles. Having her sons court one another is proving to be very entertaining.

 

“Mahal’s balls!”

Kili can’t help but curse as he trips, slamming is head into the door he is reaching for. ‘Just great’ he thinks, ‘make an ass of yourself before Fili even gets inside. That’ll impress him for sure.’

Kili pulls open the door while rubbing his forehead. He’s probably blushing too but he’s not going to admit to that.

Fili is standing there and when he sees Kili he smiles. He’s just flaunting those damn dimples like they don’t start a hurricane of butterflies in Kili’s stomach. Kili tries to smile back but he’s sure it doesn’t come out right with the way Fili looks at him.

“You don’t have to knock, you know.” Kili says as he realizes that he is still rubbing his forehead. He blushes and pulls his hand down behind him as he steps aside so Fili can come inside.

“I know,” Fili steps close to Kili, “but since I’m here on official business I thought I would act official.”

He’s smiling and Kili is confused.

“What official business?”

“Courting.” Fili then leans in closer, placing his hands on Kili’s shoulders while raising up on his toes to kiss Kili square on the lips. A quick, chaste kiss that’s over before Kili can even register what is happening.

Fili doesn’t move away, he only leans back a little to look at where Kili’s forehead has turned a vibrant shade of red that no doubt matches his cheeks.

“What happened?”                                                                                           

Kili is pulled out of his chaste-kiss-induced-stupor by the question. He looks down at the floor between them and wants to move away but his brother is essentially pinning him to the wall with the look he is giving him.

“Nothing,” Kili mumbles, “I just tripped on the way to the door.”

He can’t help but feel stupid. Who trips over their own feet and slams their own head into a door? What an ass he is making of himself. Well, at least his brother already knows how clumsy he is so it shouldn’t surprise him at least. Still, Kili had been so determined to somehow make a good impression and instead all he is managing is to make sure Fili knows to keep him away from public functions and important guests.

Fili’s brings his left hand up and brushes Kili’s bangs away from his forehead looking at the angry red welt as he does. Kili can only stare as his brother examines the spot, apparently determining that the welt is not life threatening. Fili chuckles and slides his hand to the back of Kili’s head. He pulls Kili towards him and presses his lips to the wound.

“Please be more careful with yourself, nadadith.”

They stand there in the hallway just looking into each other’s eyes. Fili still has his hands on Kili, the left in his hair at the back of his head and the right on his shoulder, so Kili cannot speak. He is staring at his brother in amazement. Fili isn’t laughing at him or making fun of him for his clumsiness but is concerned for him. Of course, his brother had always cared for and been concerned for him but this seemed different, this seemed somehow _more_. He wanted to say something, anything, but couldn’t think with Fili’s warm hands on him, so he just kept looking into the blue of Fili’s eyes.

“Can we move the mooning farther into the house?”

Both boys jump at the sound of their uncles’ voice, Fili’s hands falling from Kili. Thorin stands in the doorway watching them with an amused expression on his face. He seems about to actually laugh. ‘That’s scary’, Kili thought.

Suddenly Dis was there shooing the both of them into the dining room and telling them to sit down. She pulls her brother inside and closes the door behind him as they share a few words before joining the boys. They are both wearing small smiles now.

Dinner is good. Fili and Kili are mostly silent as their mother and uncle talk about the various happenings of the settlement. Occasionally, Thorin brings Fili into the conversation about something the blond dwarf had been a part of or he asks Kili about his hunting trips and lessons. Dis throws out random comments that seem to have the sole purpose of embarrassing one or both of her boys and also talks about how good it is that she gets to see more of Fili now that the boys are courting causing Kili to blush and Fili to smile.

 

Kili was just thinking that they might make it through dinner without his mother saying anything too embarrassing when she starts talking about the wedding. To his absolute surprise, Thorin seems just as excited as Dis about the upcoming nuptials and the two of them charge into an in-depth discussion on the benefits of an autumn wedding and begin laying out plans.

 

Fili catches Kili’s attention and nods towards the kitchen. Kili takes the hint and both boys clear the table carrying everything into the other room. They are silent as they clean up, occasionally bumping arms or shoulders together as they work. In the other room, Dis and Thorin get louder and louder as they disagree over exactly who should be invited to Fili and Kili’s wedding. While it is usually quite amusing to watch or even just overhear Dis and Thorin arguing, Fili has other things on his mind tonight. He takes hold of his little brothers’ arm and pulls him out the back door.

“Let’s go to our waterfall.” He suggests letting go of Kili’s arm and heading off towards the forest.

The sun has not yet set so there is plenty of light to make their way safely as they set off. They walk in silence. Fili steals glances at his brother as they travel and can’t help but notice how the setting sun brings out shades of dark red in Kili’s near black hair. He has never noticed that before. Funny, how he is noticing new things about Kili now that they are courting and he allows himself the opportunity to really look. For so long he tried not to notice too much about his little brother’s appearance, afraid he would set off thoughts that he could not control. It is pleasant, and in a way relaxing, to allow himself to look at Kili now.

They reach the small clearing and head to the other side, towards the river. The waterfall is quiet, the pool below moves slowly, and the setting sun reflects in the near-still water in shades of red, gold, and purple. Fili sits on a flat rock at the edge of the pool pulling Kili down with him. He keeps a hold of his little brother’s hand and enjoys the view as he gathers his thoughts together.

 

Kili can see Fili glancing at him as they walk and wonders what his brother is thinking about. He seems calm while Kili is a just giant bundle of nerves half convinced he is going to keel over with how fast his heart is beating. He goes over what he wants to say in an effort to get the words out right but since he is stumbling over them in his head he is sure he will stumble over them when he speaks them. He sighs and resigns himself to being awkward forever as Fili pulls him down to sit beside him.

They sit a while in silence watching the water colored by the setting sun fall into the pool before them and listening to the quiet sounds of the forest around them. Kili tries not to fidget too much but he is both nervous and excited. His right hand wrapped around the small pouch in his pocket holding the beads he made for his brother while his left hand is enclosed in Fili’s very warm, very strong, calloused hand beside him. He thinks he may burst if one of them doesn’t speak soon. His doubts are beginning to run wild in his mind and he doesn’t want to listen. He takes a deep breath and decides that, even if he stutters and makes a fool of himself, it is time. He can speak first, he can do this. After another deep breath, he turns to his brother.

**************************

Thorin and Dis have moved into the living room and are sitting in front of a roaring fire that Thorin made while Dis made tea. They have not laughed so hard with each other in a long time.

“I think Kili may have finally realized that his feelings for Fili are more than just brotherly.”

“Really.”

“Yes, he has been blushing much more than usual lately. If you can believe that.” Thorin laughs loudly at this.

“It’s about time,” he replies, “it’s only fair that he have some of the discomfort of being in love. Fili has been suffering it for decades now.”

“True.” Dis agrees. It had been obvious to her that her boys were each other’s Ones since Kili was just a few days old and it had become obvious to all those who were close to them. She and Thorin had not considered any other match for either of them though they had argued over whether or not they should tell them of any offers they received. She had not wanted her boys to think they were being matched together because no one else offered for them. Kili especially, she knew, would lean towards thinking that way. Thorin had convinced her not to tell either of them about the offers received for them and that if they asked to just tell them the truth.

“But since when is being in love such a discomfort, brother?” she asked, “and what would you know about it anyways?”

“I know enough, thank you!” Thorin grumbled.

“Sure you do.”

“I do!”

“I know.”

“You’re are being purposefully difficult!”

“No.”

“Yes.”

“If you say so.”

Thorin glared at his annoying sister over his tea. He had long since given up any hope that she would grow out of the need to harass him.

“I wonder if the Kili will manage to speak coherently to Fili at all tonight.” Dis wondered after a few minutes of letting Thorin use his Durin Glare on her. She couldn’t help but laugh. While her brothers’ glare was impressive, if ineffectual with her, she couldn’t help but think that Kili’s version was much more so. Her dark haired son had the perfect eyebrows to use the glare in all its glory.

“I doubt it.” Thorin said while laughing. “I doubt Fili will be much better though.”

“The two of them are pretty hopeless, aren’t they?”

“Indeed, they are.” Thorin agreed. “One of them is blushing constantly and the other can’t stop smiling. I’m not sure which one is making the bigger love-sick-idiot of himself.”

Dis’ laughter joined Thorin’s. They spent the remainder of the evening together laughing and remembering what fools dwarves made of themselves when in love. And if she thought of one dwarf in particular remembering how he had so awkwardly and yet endearingly wooed her and won her heart then no one needed to know about it.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The talk at the waterfall...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's a shorty but a goody chapter...I hope.

_They sit a while in silence watching the water colored by the setting sun fall into the pool before them and listening to the quiet sounds of the forest around them. Kili tries not to fidget too much but he is both nervous and excited. His right hand wrapped around the small pouch in his pocket holding the beads he made for his brother while his left hand is enclosed in Fili’s very warm, very strong, calloused hand beside him. He thinks he may burst if one of them doesn’t speak soon. His doubts are beginning to run wild in his mind and he doesn’t want to listen. He takes a deep breath and decides that, even if he stutters and makes a fool of himself, it is time. He can speak first, he can do this. After another deep breath, he turns to his brother._

 

“Fili.”

Kili pulled the small pouch out of his pocket as his brother turned to face him.

“I made you these courting beads, nadad. To show my intent.”

Kili knew he was blushing furiously but he held his brothers gaze as he offered the pouch to him. He was trembling and so nervous that he thought he may burst but he wanted so desperately to do this right.

 

Fili opened the pouch and poured the beads into his hand. His breath caught as he saw the detail of his little brother’s work. He had never seen finer beads - not even the beads Thorin had from Erebor could compare. He knew that Kili had great skill with engraving and fine detail work but until now he hadn’t seen examples of it with his own eyes. He looked up at Kili in shock.

“Kili…they…they are magnificent, nadadith…thank you!” He was so in awe of Kili’s skill that Fili couldn’t even be annoyed at his own stuttering.

  

Kili looked at Fili when he heard the awe in his brothers’ voice. He watched as Fili looked at each bead, as his smile grew when he recognized each motif. Kili had never been more proud of anything he had created. No one else’s praise compared to Fili’s.

“Will you place them?” His brother asked.

Kili could only nod and he moved so that he could reach Fili’s braids. He carefully removed each bead and replaced it with one of his own. When he finished, he placed the beads he had removed in the pouch and handed it to Fili shyly, not meeting his brothers’ eyes. He had not touched Fili’s hair since he had gone to live with Thorin. It was still just as thick and soft as he remembered.

Even though he knew that Fili was likely to accept his gift (they were already betrothed after all) Kili still felt relief wash over him. He had done it. He had made courting beads for Fili and Fili had accepted them. He had offered them without stuttering and making a fool of himself! Fili was wearing them! And smiling! And watching him – _oh, Mahal_!

Kili groaned silently to himself. He wasn’t used to feeling so unsure of himself and he didn’t like it. How was he ever going to tell Fili how he felt if could barely look at him without blushing?

“Thank y-“

“Thank y-“

They both started. Kili snapped his mouth shut and stared at the water in front of them while Fili chuckled.

 

“What are you thanking me for, nadadith?” Fili asked as he watched his little brother blush and fidget with the end of his sleeves. Kili blushing was honestly the most adorable thing Fili had ever seen.

 

Kili tried to look at Fili a couple of times but kept dropping his eyes. He was hoping the damn blush would go away but it seemed to be a permanent fixture at this point so he just huffed out a breath. Loudly.

“For accepting and wearing my beads, nadad.”

 

Fili watched his brother intently. He had to find a way to get rid of the doubt and insecurity that had taken hold of the archer. It pained him to know that he was partially at fault and it angered him that he had not been given the chance to prevent so much of what Kili had been through. He took a deep breath and put his anger away for another time, it didn't belong here now. Now he needed to assure his brother that he wanted this, that he wanted Kili, and that Kili had no reason to doubt him.

“You don’t need to thank me, Kili. I am honored that you made these for me and very proud to wear them. There has never been anyone who I would so gladly accept courting beads from.”

As Kili’s eyes shot up to meet his, wide and surprised, Fili took his hand again and placed the wrapped hair clip in his palm

“I made you this hair clip for you to show my intent.”

 

Kili’s breath hitched at his brothers words. His mind fumbled around trying to find an explanation for their meaning. His eyes met Fili’s and for a moment he just stared into the deep, yet bright blue orbs – finding only truth and sincerity in their depths. He felt Fili place something in his hand but he couldn’t make himself look anywhere but at Fili.

 

Fili watched as his words registered with his brother. Watched as first confusion then comprehension shown in his eyes.

“Will you look at my gift to you, nadadith?” Fili asked quietly.

 

Kili ducked his head and slowly unwrapped the item in his hand. His breath caught yet again tonight as he looked at the silver hair clip and his eyes jumped up to meet Fili’s.

“It’s just like yours,” he looked back at the clip and a small smile lit his features, “but for the arrow.” He looked at Fili again, his eyes shining.

 

“Yes,” Fili said softly but firmly, “the arrow is for you, otherwise, it is exactly like mine. I want there to be no doubt as to who you are betrothed to Kili, no doubt who your husband will be, and no doubt whose husband you will be.”

Kili’s eyes shone with tears and his mouth fell open at his brother’s words.

“But Fili, are you su-“

“I am certain.” Fili interrupted. “I am certain I want _you_ , nadadith.”

Fili took the hairclip from Kili and gently turned his brother to face away from him. He ran his fingers through Kili’s thick, dark locks pulling a section from the top and sides and placed the clip firmly.

“I am certain that I want no other.”

He ran his fingers through Kili’s hair once more to smooth the long strands against his shoulders.

“I am certain that I want you, Kili, _in every way_.”

Fili held Kili by the shoulders and admired the silver clip nestled in the dark hair.

“I am certain that _I love you_ , my brother.”

He ran his hands down Kili’s arms and back up to his shoulders enjoying Kili’s quiet gasps and the way his body trembled.

“I am certain that I will have no other for my husband, my consort, the bearer of my children. _Only you, Kili_.”

Finally, he turned Kili back to face him and saw tears silently running down his brothers cheeks. He lifted Kili's face so that he could look into his brothers eyes, the chocolate depths of which shone with tears and disbelief and maybe hope.

“I am certain that I have loved you and felt this way about you for a very, very long time, nadadith. I just never dared to hope that I could have you.”

Fili moved both of his hands to Kili’s cheeks, caressing them and brushing the tears away. At that moment, Fili didn’t think he’d ever seen anything more beautiful that the dwarf in front of him. Kili’s lips were parted and flushed a glorious shade of red as his body trembled under Fili’s hands. His breath came in tiny, quiet gasps that Fili knew he wanted to hear more of. The tears shining in his eyes sparkled brighter than the pool of water next to them and he could easily get lost in those deep, dark, rich brown pools.

Slowly, so as not to startle him, Fili leaned forward as he pulled Kili towards him. He leaned forward and pulled until finally, their lips met.

 


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fili gets a surprise at the waterfall!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First time writing sexytimes...please be gentle.

_Fili placed both hands on Kili’s cheeks, caressing them and brushing the tears away. At that moment, Fili didn’t think he’d ever seen anything more beautiful that the dwarf in front of him. Kili’s lips were parted and flushed a glorious shade of red as his body trembled under Fili’s hands. His breath came in tiny, quiet gasps that Fili knew he wanted to hear more of. The tears shining in his eyes sparkled brighter than the pool of water next to them and he could easily get lost in those deep, dark, rich brown pools._

_Slowly, so as not to startle him, Fili leaned forward as he pulled Kili towards him until their lips met._

 

Fili kissed Kili for the first time slowly and chastely. A gentle brushing of lips over and over. He quickly knew he was addicted. Knew he would never be able to get enough of the feel of his little brothers soft lips beneath his own. He slid his tongue across the seam of Kili’s lips and delved into his mouth when Kili opened up for him with a sigh. The taste of Kili was even more addicting than the feel of him. He mapped out Kili’s mouth with his tongue as Kili completely surrendered to being kissed and tasted. He moaned softly and gripped Kili tighter when Kili’s tongue hesitantly joined his own.

Fili could drown like this. Easily and without complaint.

He slid one arm around Kili’s waist and caressed his cheek with the other, rubbing his thumb along Kili’s sharp cheekbone. He was completely content to spend however long he was allowed reveling in the feel and taste of his beloved baby brother.

He was surprised when, quite suddenly, Kili threw his arms around his neck and climbed into his lap with a deep moan that sent heat straight to his cock. Finding himself with a lapful of Kili was not something he would ever complain about, no matter how surprised he was, so he just wrapped his arms tighter around Kili’s waist and pulled him as close as he could.

His brother was no longer hesitant, no longer timid or shy. Kili was forceful and demanding. His hands were fisted in Fili’s hair, pulling his head to the side to give Kili better access to his mouth. Kili kissed him thoroughly before moving his lips along Fili’s jaw to his throat. He kissed down to Fili’s collarbone and began to suck hard. Fili truthfully thought he might have a heart attack. Then, to his complete shock (and pleasure) Kili rolled his hips, grinding their cocks together and moaning so loud and deep that Fili felt the vibrations through his entire body. Yep, he was definitely going to have a heart attack.

 

Kili was crying silently as Fili turned him around to face him. He could hardly believe the things Fili had said to him but he felt the truth of his words deep within himself and saw the truth in the river-blue eyes before him. Fili’s hands on him had caused his whole body to tremble and as his brother pulled him close, Kili could only tremble harder as he realized Fili was going to kiss him.

He was scared at first. He had never been kissed like this before. Any doubts he may have still had lurking in the back of his mind about how he felt for his brother were completely wiped away when their lips met. The feel of Fili’s lips on his was intoxicating, the feel of his tongue in his mouth was delicious. He hesitantly touched his own tongue to Fili’s and the spark of heat that surged through his body and shot straight to his cock was amazing. He wanted more. He wanted so much more.

That was the moment that all real thought left Kili and instinct completely took over.

Heat. Heat coursing through his veins, rushing out from his cock in waves of pleasure and blocking out all his senses. The world became the heat. The heat and Fili. Fili’s hands on his hips helping him move, helping him grind down harder and harder against Fili’s firm length which brought even more waves of heat surging through his body. Fili’s lips and teeth on his skin, on his neck and shoulders, tasting him, marking him, claiming him.

His own hands in Fili’s hair, on his shoulders, clutching his back through layers of fabric. Breathing fast and hard. Pleas leaving his lips without conscious thought, begging for “More! Please brother, more!”

Fili’s voice, the only thing cutting through the incredible haze of heat, “Kili, Kili, Kili,” repeating over and over with each roll of his own hips.

The heat was overwhelming, his mind lost in hot chaos. He could hear the sounds he was making but they didn’t register as his own. He could only hear Fili, feel Fili, taste Fili.

Fili’s voice in his ear, lower and deeper than he ever imagined it could be, telling (no commanding) him to, “Come on, Kili. Come on. Come for me, baby…brother…come now!”

He clung to his brother, his body winding tighter and tighter until finally, finally the waves of heat crested over him and he came hard. His hands clawing into skin, his head thrown back as his voice wailed his ecstasy to the sky above them. He was frozen. Frozen in place unable to think, unable to move, unable to even breathe as he felt his brother’s hold on him tighten, felt Fili’s hand clamp down on the back of his neck and heard the deep growl against his neck as Fili reached his own release.

Fili’s hand slid from the back of his neck to the back of his head to pull his face down into his shoulder. And they breathed. Kili went slack, sinking against Fili in a daze of blinding relief and joy.

Gradually he became aware of his hands still digging into skin so he released his fingers and slid his arms around broad shoulders. He blinked and nuzzled his face into Fili’s neck where it joined his shoulder. Deep breaths brought him closer and closer back to reality. He felt the grip on his hip loosen slightly, felt the pressure of the hand on his lower back ease. He felt warm. He felt tingly. He felt happy, so very happy.

Eventually Kili came fully back to himself. He felt the cool stickiness filling his smallclothes and shifted in his brother’s lap. As he did so, he realized that the hand Fili had pressed to the small of his back was beneath his clothes and Fili’s fingers were pressed tight into the crease of his ass. Kili squirmed again and whimpered softly as he remembered how he had acted, how wanton he had been, how desperate. His face and neck burned deep red in embarrassment as Kili tried to shift off of his brother’s lap.

But Fili was having none of that.

Kili felt Fili’s hand slide up his body to his shoulder and push him back just far enough so that Fili’s other hand could tip his face up. No more hiding then. He looked into Fili’s eyes and saw only warmth, only love. He blushed even more and tried to look away but Fili held him firm.

“No, none of that, baby brother.”

Fili kissed him softly, gently, as if he were the most valuable thing in the world. His brother’s strong, calloused hands caressed his face, his hair, his neck.

“I love you, Kili.” Words whispered against his lips. “Never be embarrassed with me. Never, baby brother. Never.”

Fili nuzzled his jaw, his neck, hands moving over his hair, his cheeks. “You are perfect.” Kili felt cherished, he felt precious, and he felt loved. So loved.

He moved his own hands to Fili’s hair, “I love you, Fili,” he murmured quietly against soft lips still lightly kissing his own.

When their eyes met again Kili didn’t try to look away, though he was still blushing spectacularly, they just held each other’s gaze and smiled.


	13. NOT A NEW CHAPTER - ONLY AN UPDATE!

This is not a new chapter – only an update.

I am so sorry for not posting in over 5 months. I don’t like it when a story I am reading is not updated and here I went and did the thing. I honestly feel terrible about it.

This story was the first thing I had written in more years than I care to admit. I used to write all the time, actually carried a notebook around with me and everything. Then I had children and I am the type of person who becomes so engrossed in writing (or reading) that the real world disappears. I tried writing at night after they went to bed but ended up staying awake all night which just didn’t work with little ones to take care of and a job to perform. I had to stop in order to keep my children from escaping the house and running down the street naked (yes, that happened-once.).

My first mistake with this story was not having a good outline when I began writing. I had an idea of where I wanted it to go and what I wanted to happen but nothing firm. My second mistake was being so eager to post that I didn’t have anything written ahead. I have corrected both of these issues.

I participated in NaNoWriMo (and won!!) and used that time to clear my prompt/idea folder as well as to work on this story. I now have a thorough outline for it and have the next chapter completed and am working on the following one. I also completed 12 new stories, have 4 more in progress, and 6 others completely outlined. I will be participating in the FiKi December Challenge and **will post a new, original work each Thursday this month and a new chapter in this story each Sunday**. I may have to change my update schedule for this story next month but we’ll see.

I really, really appreciate everyone who has read this story (as well as my others) and who leave kudos and comments!! I am not sure I could express how much it means to me. I literally fell into the AO3 site on accident (though I had already been a HUGE Tolkien fan for years and years) and lurked around the FiKi fandom as a guest for months before I got up the nerve to join. It took me about another month to leave my first comment. When I posted the first chapter to this story I was so surprised and touched that anyone read it much less left kudos or _gasp!_ commented on it. Everyone here has been so nice and welcoming and for someone who has made absolutely zero friends since relocating to a new part of the country, it has really meant a lot to me.

I have spent the last year and half literally not leaving the house and staying in bed as much as possible while wallowing in a funky cloud of depression that was part my bi-polar disorder taking a sharp down turn and real life just sucking the big one. My mom died suddenly in February 2014 and then I lost my fabulous job in June due to downsizing. I moved here, to a small town in Minnesota, to be closer to my mom and since she died I have no one here. I have been here for 7 years total as of this past October and have yet to meet anyone I can call a friend. Being from Georgia and having Southern traditions, manners, and let’s not forget the **accent** makes me just too different, I guess. I literally have nothing in common with anyone I’ve met here. Then, because the Universe loves me, I lost my recent job in August of this year.

My point in mentioning the above is that finding this fandom and reading the stories here helped me pull myself out of that funk I had been trapped in. I started to really smile and laugh for the first time in over a year. I started getting out of bed for things other than work or other un-cancellable commitments. I started getting my head in a better place. Sure, losing my job in August was a set-back but I managed not to fall too far back into the funk completely. Having support for my writing has been a huge boost to my self-confidence and which in turn lets me believe that I might just be able to climb completely out of the hole I’ve been stuck in rather than just making it close to the top only to be knocked down again.

People rarely get the opportunity to realize the impact of a small act of kindness they perform. Everyone who has read my stories, left me kudos, left me a comment, talked with me on Tumblr – you all have shown me kindness and have impacted my life in such a positive way.

I know that to some of you it may seem stupid that I have been so affected by something as simple as a kudos left on a story I wrote but the thing is - when you have no light in your life whatsoever, even the smallest hint of light is blinding. So, **THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU!**

I promise to have a new chapter for this story up each Sunday this month and if I ever write a WIP again I am definitely not posting the first chapter until it is completely written.


	14. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ori is annoyed and thankful that he is not involved in any courting nonsense.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, so sorry! I don't know why I thought I could post anything on a Sunday when it's HOCKEY SEASON which means that I spend every weekend driving 14-15 year old girls all over this state, the neighboring states, and occasionally Canada so, no posting. I'll aim for Monday as my posting day. :)

Ori was getting really annoyed.

He was supposed to be working on restoring an ancient manuscript miraculously saved from Erebor by the scribe working on it at the time Smaug attacked. The poor scribe had been so terrified that he used the book as a makeshift shield as he fled the mountain. Now it was Ori’s job to restore the pages to their pre-run-in-with-a-dragon condition, a job he loved and looked forward to completing. However, all morning (that’s _three hours_ ) he has been subjected to dreamy sighs and attempts at quiet shifting by Kili.

Occasionally Kili would start to say something only to stop and shift around in his chair again. Each time Ori would look across the table to find his friend blushing furiously and smiling stupidly at the books lining the walls around them.

Kili is anything but subtle. Clearly he was daydreaming about Fili. Ori had tried talking to him but anytime he had mentioned certain words, namely ‘Fili’ and ‘courting’ Kili just got all heart eyed again.

It really is ridiculous – adorable, but still ridiculous.

Thank Mahal he wasn’t involved in any courting himself. If his friends condition is what it reduced dwarves to then Ori could do without it for a lifetime.

Ori signed – again – and wondered what it would take to break Kili out of his mood.

“Nori came home last night with an elf.”

No response.

“Brought her home for dinner like it was nothing out of the ordinary.”

Still no response.

“After dinner they both stripped to their skin and danced lewdly on the dinner table.”

Oh, enough already! It was normally very distracting having to share work space with Kili considering Kili had a tendency to fidget as though he was sitting on an ant hill. After an entire morning with Dreamy Kili however, Ori would welcome Fidgety Kili back with open arms.

He aimed a strong kick to the shin of the dwarf across the table from him and smiled as his foot struck home.

“Ow, Ori!” Kili yelped. “What was that for?”

“Are you with me now?” Ori asked with a smirk. “I wasn’t sure since you’ve been sitting there staring off into the air all morning as you sigh and make heart eyes at the books.”

“What – what are you – I’m not making heart eyes at the books!”

“But you were making heart eyes.”

“What does that even mean?” Kili shifted in his chair and looked everywhere but at Ori.

“Mmmhmmm.”

“Seriously, Ori, it doesn’t make any sense.”

“It means that you obviously have something better to think about than the lesson Balin gave you this morning.” Ori stated. “Something to do with Fili perhaps?”

Ori knew that Kili had received his first courting gift even if his friend hadn’t said anything. The new silver hair clip gave that away easily enough. Ori also had a strong suspicion, based on Kili’s dreamy gaze and other behaviors this morning, that a little something more than just an exchange of gifts had taken place. The way Kili bloomed like a sunrise at the mention of Fili’s name only confirmed his suspicions.

Ori smiled. Kili sputtered.

“Don’t try and deny it or act like you don’t know what I’m talking about, Kili. I know you too well for that.”

“I wasn’t going to deny anything!”

“Mmmhmmm.”

“I wasn’t!”

“Right.”

If Ori were anyone else he would no doubt be crying or wetting himself as a direct result of the glare he was now receiving. Kili could glare with more force than any other dwarf in Middle-Earth – even Thorin. Ori however, was unfazed.

“Why don’t you just tell me what happened, Kili?”

“I can’t tell you what happened! Ori!”

Now Kili looked like he wanted to run and hide somewhere. He really was uncomfortable. Ori knew he shouldn’t be enjoying this so much but he couldn’t help it. He had never seen his friend like this before.

“I can see the hair clip. Is that your first courting gift?” Ori asked quietly trying to prevent Kili from having a stroke and trying not to laugh himself.

“Yes, it’s my first courting gift.” Kili recovered enough to say. “Fili made it instead of beads since my hair doesn’t hold braids well.”

Kili turned his head so Ori could see the hair clip clearly. At least he would be able to see it clearly if Kili wasn’t busy caressing it with is fingers.

“That’s very thoughtful of him.” Ori stated. “It’s a fine looking piece.”

“Yeah.” This word was drawn out like a sigh.

Kili had turned back around but he had gone all heart eyed and dreamy smile again.

“So I take it he accepted the beads you made?” Ori prodded.

“Yeah.” Another sigh.

“Kili!”

Kili jumped when Ori yelled his name, hitting his knee on the underside of the table. Ori did laugh this time, he just couldn’t help it. Kili went back to glaring at him but it was subdued by the way he was rubbing his knee under the table.

“I told you he would accept them,” Ori said, “he’d have been a fool not to.”

Ori watched as Kili only smiled sheepishly and ducked his head. Really, if Kili didn’t get this blushing under control, Ori was afraid he was going to have some kind of medical problem.

“Did the two of you talk about why he was so distant?” Ori knew this was a sensitive subject for his friend but he also knew how badly Kili had been hurt by it. He thought it was important that Fili explain why he had pushed his little brother out of his life and for Kili to explain how it had affected him.

“Not really…”

“Did you talk about anything?”

“Yes…he said the beads I made were ‘magnificent’ and that he was proud to wear them.” Kili said shyly. “He also said that he was certain that he wanted me.”

“Of course he wants you,” Ori said as he reached for Kili’s hand, “the two of you belong together. But he’s also lucky to have you and I just hope he realizes that.”

“He said he loves me,” Kili said quietly not meeting Ori’s eyes, “that he has for a long time but didn’t think that we would be allowed to be together.”

Ori hummed in acknowledgment of Kili’s words. He had long suspected that Fili loved Kili and that he was keeping a distance from him in a misguided attempt to protect Kili from his feelings and give Kili the chance to develop feelings for someone else if he was going to. Fili only ever wanted the best for his brother, Ori knew that.

“I’m happy for you, Kili.”

And Ori meant it. No one deserved to be loved and cared for as much as Kili did in Ori’s opinion; Kili was too kind, too generous, and too _open_ to be treated any other way. Of course, he was also Ori’s only real friend so it was possible that he was probably a little biased in his opinions. No, on second thought, he wasn’t biased at all.

Ori sat and watched Kili for a few moments. It was clear that neither of them would be getting any work done now and he had no desire to pry information out of Kili when it was clear Kili didn’t want to talk.

“Let’s go get something to eat,” Ori suggested, “Bombur has been talking about a new rabbit pie recipe that I’ve been dying to try and the tavern won’t be crowded right now.”

“Okay.” Kili agreed.

After a quick tidy of their (Ori’s) work area they set off towards Bombur’s tavern. It was a short walk to the tavern and Ori was thanking Mahal that Kili only sighed dreamily twice the entire trip.


End file.
